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03.10.10 11:39 am
koccojjá. koccojá lefele - mondta a pasim a süss fel napban, anno. mér? méééér? azér mer a csaját ( az én pasim, akkor ki ez a csaj, aki ráragadt?),azérmer azt a nőt ( ki ez a hülye picsa, tudom hogy ma már nem p.c, de otthon majd ezt ordítom később, sokkal később, mikor három nap, vagy egy hét múlva hazamerészkedik. mert tudja, hogy nem bírom ki, és hogy neki esem ezzel a ki volt ez a hülye picsa dumával, nem ebben a visszaemlékezős tónusban. üvöltve, mint egy állat. ), szóval, ezt itt, meg mind az összes voltakat és leendőket, A NŐKET, szét tudnám tépni . Koccoljak le? Én koccoljak le? menj a kurva anyádba, ordítom, és talán el is sírom magam. attól függően, hogy mennyit ittam. koncert után, mikor az ember már amúgy is a rajongás és a magány prédája, koncert után mondja ezt nekem. a pasim. a zenésztársam. az életem. állunk, szembe egymással, mint anna és harmadik richárd, a a friss hulla, a legyikolt király koporsólyára rátámaszkodva, mi modjuk a billiárd asztalra, mely köztünk, s köztük, védőbástyaként terpeszkedik, s azon átfeszülve ordítom az arcába. te szemét. azt igérted, hogy együtt megyünk haza. azt ígérte! hiszen megígértettem vele, kicsikartam az ígéretet a firssen takarított lakással, a fincsi kajákkal, amiket napról napra főztem ( szeretek főzni, na), a soksoksoksok tisztaszívű és rettentő tűzű vággyal telt öleléssel, kedvességgel és, igen: hízelgéssel. megírted! és aztááááán... a csaj, a másik, csak egyszerűen odalépett, az én pasimhoz, s az inggallért kezdte igazgatni az én pasim nyakán. babrált,szelíden, ártatlanul. úgy néztek egymásra, mint gyerek a pajtására. bizalommal, szeretettel, kíváncsian az ajándékra. elmerültek egymás tekintetében ( na ez volt a több a soknál), mintha ott se lettem volna. elmenekültem. a gonosz kidobókig, ( akkor még így hívtuk őket)a biztonsági őrökig jutottam, belesírtam a cinikus állatok pofájába a fájdalmamat. majdnem megvertek, de inkább megaláztak. hogy hogy csinálták, azóta sem tudom, de annyi biztos, hogy az ördög markában voltam épp elég ideig ahhoz, hogy egyszer, sokkal később az ívást abbahagyjam. érzem azóta is a hátborzongást, ha rágondolok a hazajutásomra az éjszakai busszal átszállással a Földtani intézettel szembeni kicsinyke cserei utca szobakonyhás, udvarivécés lakásba. szerelmem lakásába, ahová, álomba zuhanásig, s ébredés után napokig, akár egy hétig is szűkölve vártam vissza Őt. (Nade, hogy valami közérdekűről is beszéljek, ezek a lákások, amelyiknek az egyikébe hazaevickéltem, még játszani fognak, minthogy játszottak az életemben, régen, sokkal régebben, kicsinyke gyermekkoromban, mikor még minden( sic!) rózsaszínűben játszhatott volna egy párhuzamos életben, ahol győz, vagy nem győz, de valamennyire előbbre visz az 56-os forradalom, s egyféle bukolikus bájjal veszi körül a két, három, négy éves gyermeket, engem és unokatesóimat a megsüppedt plafon, a kinyitott sezlony a konyhában,a zárt udvar négyszögében sínylődő vágyak, s tomboló szerelmek, míg a naplamentében a férfiak kiülnek a faltövébe támasztott székeikre, hogy beszélgessenek, veszekedjenek, míg a nők odabent sírnak és örülnek, s ellátják a családot, a szegénységhez szokott gyermekeket. vagy csak néznek maguk elé, megtanulva a dolgokra meredni. Józsefattilai szegénység?munkahelyek voltak,kilakoltatások nem, a dagály utcában, 1956 után, a konszolidációt megelőzően. sokat sírtunk és vigadtunk, ha sionra gondoltunk - és itt most Jancsó miklós Fényes szelekjét látom magam előtt, drahota andreával és Kozák Andrással a főszerepben.


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